Feeling old


March will be a busy month for me. I was out of town this past week for training, and will be heading out again tomorrow and for the last week of March.

Though I was happy to have the opportunity to pilot the training I worked on for most of February, I noticed something while I was away last week.

I was exhausted.

I didn’t have the energy to write in the evenings. I didn’t sleep well.

I know a lot of trainers who travel frequently, and many of them take sleeping pills. I can’t. I tried at one point, but couldn’t take the side effects. I’m not fond of the side effects of most medications, but that’s another story.

I used to really enjoy the opportunity to travel for training. I’d get my work done during the day, go out with class members or co-facilitators in the evenings, and still manage a decent day’s writing.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve noticed that I just can’t do it anymore. I can only pack so much into a day. Or an evening.

Last night, my mother-in-law commented how the circles under my eyes look so much more pronounced than usual.

Feeling old, with the grey hair, wrinkles, and dark circles to prove it :P

Feeling old, with the grey hair, wrinkles, and dark circles to prove it 😛

It’s a family trait, but I do look more bruised when I’m tired.

I’ve never been one to have those traumatic, age-related realizations that others have.

  • At 20: I’m not a kid anymore.
  • At 25: I’m a quarter century old!
  • At 30: My baby-making days are numbered (for women only).
  • At 40: I’ve lived half my life at this point, and what have I to show for it?

I’ve not hit the big five oh yet, so I can’t go any further than that, but I’ve never felt any of that age angst that friends have reported. And mostly, it is women. At least, I rarely hear of a man complaining about his age.

Aches and pains, yes. Age angst, no.

I’ve always felt young, relatively speaking. I may have felt fat, or prematurely winded because of smoking, but neither of those are age-specific complaints.

This past year, however, I have been feeling increasingly old. O.L.D.

It’s interesting more than distressing, but it’s also inconvenient. I need to write. It’s not an option anymore, and when I can’t write, I feel legitimately crappy. If I can’t write because I’m feeling crappy to begin with, that only makes me feel worse.

This can result in a negative spiral that leads to burn out and depression. I know those two feelings. I need to manage them carefully.

I just have to remind myself that I am enough, that I’ve done enough this day, and that it’s been a good day, because in most cases, it’s true.

We can only do what we can do. We can get back on the horse the next day and rock it.

How about you, my writerly friends? It doesn’t have to be age, but life has this habit of happening while we’re making other plans. Are there things over which you have no control that complicate your life? How do you cope?

Please share.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Feeling old

  1. you are beautiful. and as we grow older, isn’t it beautiful to keep learning about ourselves? I love that most of all – this opportunity we have to learn things, like how we breathe, what we like, how we love. this body – with the grey hair (omg, how about grey pubes – that’s a trip!) – is a combination of genetics, and experiences, and loss and love and anxiety and pure joy. and it’s just a house for our souls. pretty awesome. you are beautiful. (I realize that this post wasn’t a cry to hear that, I just want to say it!). xx

    Like

  2. I can relate, Melanie. I’m 58 years old and after doing some checking recently, I realized that unless I want to live under a bridge I will need to keep working until I’m 70. Twelve more years seems like a lifetime to me right now. I have a great job and make good money. I just want my freedom. I would love to be quilting, sewing, working in the yard, etc. Because my job is stressful with the need to be 100% accurate and the fact I have to work the afternoon shift, my brain and body feel every day of my 58 years. Tiredness shows up in my face more readily, too. I’m thankful for all the blessings in my life and maybe 12 years from now I’ll be glad I put the time in.

    Like

    • Marilyn,
      Hang in there. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for some fortuitous financial circumstances to come your way. No one should have to work that long. Bridges should not be an address.
      Hugs to you, my writerly friend.

      Like

  3. Keep at it, Melanie! I’ve always wondered why men don’t have the same issues. Some of the guys I know can’t even keep track of their age–they have to recalculate it in their heads.

    Like

Comments are closed.