My ongoing burnout journey and the desire for definitive change.

This is a loooong post (mostly because of the media I consumed). You have been warned.

Life in general

I held off writing anything in this section until mid-June because not much was happening. I was trying to regulate and improve my sleep hygiene and just feel my feelings.

I thought that my seasonal allergies had peaked on June 1^st, but after a few days of feeling okay, forest fire smoke encroached, and my sinuses started socking in. I’ve been fighting off the sinusitis again. This has meant that my sleep has suffered. So, my rest has not been restful.

My main revelation in June was that I have been experiencing my emotions, but due to various stresses, I’ve been ignoring them. Alexithymia and proprioception issues predominate when my sympathetic nervous system is engaged, and mine has been for much of the past two years.

I’ve been people pleasing too much and need to let others manage their own emotions and their own work. Moving into caregiver territory with my mom means that can be complicated, because there are some forms of emotional (and other) labour I need to take on, but I can take a step back and ask myself if a particular task is something I absolutely must do.

I got an interim medical note at the beginning of the month but, as of the end of the month approached, I was still waiting on the formal medical to be completed and returned. I called the week after my phone appointment with my doctor and was told that I would be called when the medical was ready for pick up. On the 25^th, I called again, and the receptionist advised that the form had been completed on the 5^th (!) and that I would have been called. No one called me. I checked my call log. So, I went in and picked it up and tried not to have a complete meltdown.

Something else I noticed when I logged on to submit my note to my team lead and manager was that deductions for last year’s leave with income averaging continued to be deducted from my pay. The deductions started one or two pays before I went on my leave and should have stopped. I wasn’t in any rush to fix this as I wasn’t suffering financially, and the longer I let things go, the more money I’d get back when the issue was fixed.

My work laptop was also due for replacement. That, too, I was in no rush to deal with.

With the solstice, the heat arrived. We went from relatively mild spring weather to full on heatwave. With only a portable AC unit for the bedroom, all we could do was close all the windows in the house during the day, set the furnace fan to circulate, and turn on every ceiling fan in the house. Still, it was sweat-while-you’re-sitting weather. Enter heat edema and rashes.

We got a lovely respite toward the end of the month before the heat began to ramp up again.

The month in writing

My cutting pass of Reality Bomb continued. Around mid-month, I passed -1,000 words. By month’s end, I’d managed -1,444 words. I have a feeling (a hope?) that there will be much more cutting in the second half of the novel.

I also finished reading a few review books and started on their reviews. I decided that I’d finish the reviews before getting back to RB. Of course, I wrote short reviews for my What I’m watching and reading section, but I hope to place longer reviews in journals.

I also started writing a creative non-fiction piece, wrote another poem, and made a couple of poetry submissions.

In writing business, I attended the Wordstock Special Virtual meeting on the 4^th. This was the festival in jeopardy I mentioned last month. The membership voted to save the organization and rebuild the festival, but whether a festival will happen this year is up in the air. Though a call for volunteers went out, I was not able to contribute.

The Canadian Authors Association annual general meeting (AGM) was on the 21^st. Everyone is feeling the impact of funding cuts and memberships are demanding in-person events that may be beyond their organization’s capacity. 

The League of Canadian Poets AGM was on the 24^th. More of the same, but in this case, the membership voted in favour of an in-person event with hybrid options in 2027. We’ll see how things go.

And the SF Canada Board had an ad-hoc meeting on the 30^th to clear up some bits and bobs.

Filling the well

The full strawberry moon in Sagittarius was on the 11^th. I took some lovely pics leading up to the full. The forest fire smoke really made the moon look pink.

Speaking of strawberries …

Summer arrived on the 20^th. Did my altar thing, switched over my seasonal scents, and generally tried to focus on recovery.

The new hawthorn moon in Cancer was on the 25^th. Overcast skies meant pics were hard to come by, though I got a couple, later in the month.

In writing-related events, the monthly virtual TWUC Ontario Open Mic was on the 10^th. I was happy to sit in and listen to some fellow members read from their work.

On Friday the 13^th, I watched an Authors Publish webinar with Cat Rambo, “How to Write Captivating Side Characters.” Cat’s always a fun and informative presenter.

I attended the Canadian Authors Association and SF Canada webinar Playing the Short Game with Douglas Smith. I’m not a prolific short fiction writer, but the information was excellent.

There was another Authors Publish webinar on the 25^th. Erin Swann presented “How to Create and Maintain Authentic Connections with Your Readers.” It was principally about showing and telling, which is something I still struggle with.

And, on a whim, I signed up for a two-part webinar from Free Expressions. The first session of “Tricking your brain into plotting” with Janice Hardy was on the 26^th. Hardy introduced cause and effect question chains, idea baiting, conflict loops, flaw mining, and moral mirrors. In July, we’ll delve deeper into the techniques. I think I’ll like these techniques in action as a pantser/plantser.

I had a phone appointment with my doctor on the 4^th and got an interim medical note for my leave as well as a referral for therapy. I have a feeling I’ll still need support after my sessions through EAP run out.

I had an appointment with my RMT on the 11^th. Though I still reached rest and digest mode, I was in pain for weeks afterward. I’ve been holding a lot of tension in my body.

My next appointment with my EAP therapist was on the 16^th. This time, my assignment was nervous system regulation, specifically stim toys. I’m not eager to go shopping. It’s exhausting. But I have found an old necklace that works as a stim toy. I’ll see what I can figure out on my own before I spend money.

I booked Torvi for her next Furminator on the 19^th. With the hot weather, her shedding was in overdrive, and she was shaggy pants doggo.

I attended another in the PFLS sleep series webinars on the 24^th. This one was about daylight saving time, its myths and health risks. It was a good session with lots of research on the harmful effects of DST. Unfortunately, politicians do not want to stop DST because of business and shipping issues.

My support group met on the 25^th and the topic this month was work life balance, another thing I struggle with.

What I’m watching and reading

During my leave, I’ve been indulging in movies. Brace yourselves. There are a lot of them!

I watched Captain America: Brave New World (Disney +). It wasn’t a bad movie. It wasn’t even a bad Marval movie, but Harrison Ford’s President Ross/Red Hulk stole some of the attention away from Sam and Isaiah’s stories. Joaquin Torres, the new Falcon, was sidelined partway through the movie, and though there were some solid fight scenes, the climactic moment is a quiet one and therefore … anticlimactic. I was also a little put off by the decision to rewrite Sabra, who was an Israeli agent in the comics, as a former widow. There were other changes to casting and scripting that resulted in a movie that, in my opinion, felt scattered. If you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one.

Then, I watched Moana 2 (Disney +). The “I want” song, “To Go Beyond,” made me weepy, which made me happy, because it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that. And the story was lovely. Moana is made a tautai, or master wayfinder, and she receives a vision from her ancestor tautai Vasa that she must find the island of Motufetu and restore the ocean currents to reunite all the island peoples, because alone, Moana’s people will die. So, Moana embarks of a risky adventure. It’s all about persistence and the power of community. Enjoyed immensely.

Then, I watched Dead Like Me: Life after Death (Prime). Phil and I had watched and enjoyed the series in the way back and I knew the movie existed, but I hadn’t actually watched it until now. In the opening scene, George and the other reapers stand outside Der Waffle Haus as it burns. Soon, they are summoned by their new head reaper, Cameron, who tells them that Rube finally “got his lights.” George suspect there’s something wrong when she can’t reap her first assignment. Chaos ensues. A fun bit of nostalgia.

I watched the documentary Brats (Disney +). Andrew McCarthy, seeking some meaning or closure decades after the “Brat Pack” achieved notoriety, interviews many of the members of, and actors peripheral to, the pack. McCarthy and Emilio Estevez still share resentment about being called brats that even an interview with David Blum, the entertainment journalist who coined the term Brat Pack couldn’t dispel. Demi Moore, Ally Sheedy, and Lea Thompson are more measured in their responses, as are Timothy Hutton and Jon Cryer, all of whom have had successes beyond the Brat Pack era. It’s Rob Lowe who sheds the most light on the issue and provides a positive spin. They were the new wave of cinema and informed many of the movies in following decades. The documentary ends with McCarthy finally getting a call back from Judd Nelson, paying off the running gag throughout the film that Nelson was purposely making himself unavailable. Nelson never appears. A thought-provoking and nostalgic film.

Next, I finished watching Beef (Netflix). Two characters enter each others’ orbits through an incident of road rage. A massive number of poor decisions on both their parts ends with one of them shot and in intensive care in the hospital and the other recovering by his side. Maybe life goes on?

Then, I watched The Residence (Netflix). This little gem is Knives Out meets Scandal meets The Extraordinary Birder. The Head Usher of the White House is murdered, and Cordelia Cupp, the world’s best detective and avid birder, is brought in to find out whodunnit. In a second timeline, a future congress hearing tries to get to the root of the mystery. There are loads of red herrings, but all the clues are presented as each suspect is investigated. The final meeting in which Cupp unveils the murderer is a bit unusual in that Cupp announces that she has no idea who the culprit is, but as she works through the events of the night of the murder, she zeroes in on the guilty party. Very entertaining. I hope they continue the series.

I watched They Cloned Tyrone (Netflix). This movie is classified as an SF comedy mystery. I’d replace mystery with horror myself. Fontaine is a drug dealer and is shot by a rival while collecting payment from client, friend, and pimp, Slick. When Fontaine shows up the next day looking for his payment, Slick and one of his girls, YoYo, know something’s wrong. Together, the three uncover a secret underground compound that reminds me of the facility in Supacell (which came out a year later), where experiments are being conducted on clearly unwilling Black subjects. The reveal of the purpose of this secret project is combined with an interesting twist that speaks to internalized racism. The ending promises that the trio’s adventures will continue.

I checked out the live action remake of Snow White (Disney +). Everyone should know the story, so I’m not worrying about spoilers. There were a few new songs that I wasn’t sure were needed, though Gal Godot isn’t horrible (?) as the evil queen, and they changed up the story. Instead of a prince, we have Jonathan, a Robin Hood-esque leader of a band of freedom fighters. There is a little more attention paid to the dwarves, which I liked, and Snow has more agency. She confronts the evil queen/stepmother, who ends up being consumed by her own magic mirror. Apples are more symbolically present as well, as a symbol of the healthy, happy, communal kingdom, as well as the evil queen’s assassination method.

Then, I watched Okja (Netflix). Oh, my god, y’all. It was devastating. Yes, it’s another Bong Joon Ho jam and has his signature surreal social commentary. Tilda Swinton (in her dual role as twins) and Jake Gyllenhaal chew up every scene they’re in, but damn this one’s sad.

Lucy Mirando becomes CEO of the Mirando Corp and presents herself as an environmentalist. 26 “super pigs”—a genetically engineered species that looks like a hippo—have been placed with farmers around the world. They consume less, produce less greenhouse gas, and, as Mirando says, they taste good. At maturity, the best super pig will be selected, and then . . . the livestock will go into production.

Mija has raised Okja from a piglet in South Korea. When Dr. Johnny Wilcox declares Okja the best super pig, the Mirando team ship her to Seoul (en route to New York). A heartbroken Mija follows. As Mija finds the truck Okja is in and dangles from the back of it, a group of animal liberation front (ALF) activists free Okja. They replace the black box that has recorded Okja’s biological data with a recording device and intend to send her back to Mirando to record the atrocities committed against the super pigs after which they will break her out again. Mija wants to go back to the mountains with Okja, but the ALF translator says she agrees. A note here: the ALF members are little better than Mirando and are totally complicit in what happens to Okja and the other super pigs.

Things go horribly wrong for Okja after that and though Mija manages to save Okja in the end, hundreds of other super pigs are still sent to processing. An excellent movie but brace yourselves.

Next, I finished watching the first season of Super Team Canada (Crave). This silly and self-deprecating (i.e., thoroughly Canadian) animated series from Atomic Cartoons is … okay? I wanted to check it out because of the voice talent—Cobie Smulders, Will Arnett, and Kevin McDonald, in particular. Also, Bryan Adams wrote the theme song.

I didn’t appreciate the animation style, and the team itself caters to stereotypes. Niagara Falls (Smulders) controls water and is an environmental crusader. Breakaway (Arnett) is a hometown hockey player with explosive pucks. Chinook is an Inuit hero who generates ice. Her shamanic aunties make appearances. Poutine … blasts his namesake and is obsessed with sex/himself. Ew? RCM-PC is a robotic mailbox. Sasquatchewan is their tank. And the PM (McDonald) looks like John A. McDonald and presents as a harried white-collar worker. The stories are nonsensical (I know that’s the point).

It feels like this series was thrown together last year when it became apparent that Trump was going to win again, even though the President looks like Bush (Jr). Essentially, the team can’t work together and lucks out more often than not. A solid meh.

As a departure from the heartbreak of Okja, my next movie was Renfield (Netflix). I knew it would be total camp and that’s what I was looking for. Robert Montague Renfield is Dracula’s familiar (read bug-eater) and in the modern day, he’s still tasked with finding his master victims. In search of people no one will miss, Renfield attends a support group for people in codependent and abusive relationships and grabs horrible people for his master. One of these missions goes horribly wrong when a mob executioner comes to kill one of Renfield’s chosen victims. Renfield ends up killing the executioner and gets entangled in the ensuing police investigation. Of course, Renfield also takes the advice of his support group and tries to escape his abusive relationship while the mob boss encounters Dracula and makes a deal with the vampire. Light and fun. Totally illogical climax and denouement, but it was the palate cleanser I needed.

Then, I finished the full run of Legion (Disney +). Because David Haller (Legion) is the son of Charles Xavier and an omega-level mutant, this series constantly asks you to question reality and rationality. Is what you’re seeing in David’s head, the astral plane, or is it the real (and surreal) world? Is David a powerful mutant or is he truly mentally ill? Maybe he’s both.

David is adopted and when his powers manifest, he’s diagnosed with schizophrenia and institutionalized. Years later, he escapes with the help of another inmate (Sydney) who can switch consciousnesses with anyone she touches. David and Syd are picked up by Summerland operatives and eventually, it becomes apparent that David has a dark passenger, Amahl Farouk, the Shadow King, who has been manipulating him throughout his life. Dark and often confusing, Legion nonetheless has a compelling story. David is an (extremely) unreliable narrator and does some truly despicable things during his journey. Thought-provoking.

Next, I watched Argylle (Apple TV +). This fun but over-the-top spy comedy was directed by Matthew Vaughan of Kingsman fame. Having watched all three Kingsman movies (The Secret Service was fun, The Golden Circle too convoluted to be truly enjoyable, and the third, The King’s Man, such a departure in tone from the previous two I wasn’t sure what to make of it), I was expecting wacky. What I got was a movie that overwhelmed my ability to suspend my disbelief. I’mma just spoil it. It won’t affect your viewing if you still want to watch it.

Elly Conway is a spy thriller novelist who’s trying to finish her latest novel. After her mother offers a critique, she finds herself blocked. On the train to visit her mother, Elly is attacked and then saved by Aiden Wilde, an actual spy. Wilde tells Elly that her books reflect real events and that she must finish her novel to help Wilde and his superior, Alfie (also the name of Elly’s Scottish fold cat who experiences some serious abuse in the movie) take down the bad guys. When they reach Alfie (the spy, not the cat), he reveals that Elly is agent R. Kylle (which she transformed into Argylle) and that she is the spy she’s been writing about the whole time (the whole time!).

Things get surreal from there. Elly’s parents aren’t her parents! She remembers who she is! Elly’s one of the bad guys! But no, she’s not; she was just acting! Then she’s triggered ala Winter Soldier! It culminates in this LSD-fuelled final battle in which agents Kylle and Wilde dance/fight amid multi-coloured smoke bombs and then Elly drives knives into her boot soles, skates on spilled oil, and stabs the rest of the baddies. At the very end, as Elly is launching her final Argylle novel, the “real” Argylle identifies himself in the audience. A mid-credit scene shows a young Argylle to be one of the Kingsmen.

Wha?

I also decided to keep up with my reading while I was off and so there are a lot of books I read in June! Sorry, not sorry!

I read Swordheart by T. Kingfisher (Ursula Vernon). The more T. Kingfisher books I read, the more I want to read. Halla is a widow who’s become housekeeper for her uncle-by-marriage. When he dies and leaves everything to her, the rest of his family imprisons Halla until she agrees to marry a sweaty-palmed cousin, after which Halla is certain they will kill her to get her inheritance themselves. In desperation, Halla determines to un-alive herself so that her remaining blood relatives might benefit from the inheritance, but when she draws a sword to do the deed, Sarkis, the immortal warrior bound to the sword and whomever wields it, appears.

Halla is adorable and babbles in a very ND manner. Sarkis is largely confused but determined to do his best. As with other Kingfisher novels, they end up saving each other. LOVED!

Then, I listened to Summon the Keeper by Tanya Huff. This is the first book in the Keeper Chronicles, the third of which I read a year or so ago. Keeper Claire Hansen is summoned to the Elysian Fields Guesthouse where the owner absconds and leaves her holding the deed, and the responsibility for a portal to hell in the furnace room, a sleeping keeper-gone-evil, the ghost of a French sailor, and an elevator that takes its passengers to other worlds. Will Claire, her cat Austin, and the guesthouse’s cook Dean be able to sort it all out before Claire is permanently bound to the site? Claire’s sister and Mom make appearances as well. A lovely start to an enjoyable series.

I finished reading Beneath the Rising by Premee Mohamed. Described as Lovecraft Country meets All the Birds in the Sky, this novel combines cosmic horror with the story of two childhood friends who may (or may not) love one another as they travel the world to stop Them from breaking through. Sounds improbable you say? It does, until you realize that one of the two teen protagonists is a wunderkind who has single-handedly cured disease, helped stop plastic pollution and runaway climate change, and practically put an end to poverty. Johnny (Joanna) is all that and a bag of chips, but she’s got secrets. When her latest invention, a functioning fusion reactor that promises to provide the world’s energy needs, “calls” to Them, Johnny destroys her invention and all its blueprints, sends her friend Nick’s family into hiding, and sets off on a journey with Nick to close the gate between this world and Theirs.

As Johnny’s secrets come to light, Nick questions everything and must confront the person he thought was his best friend. Even victory is a tragedy in this one, folks.

Next, I listened to The Witches of Moonshyne Manor by Bianca Marais. Moonshyne Manor is a distillery and the hereditary home of the Sisterhood—six octogenarian witches, one of whom has been in prison for 33 years for a heist that resulted in the death of another of their number, who lingers as a ghost, communicating through her familiar, a crow named Widget. A mob of angry men want to demolish the manor and build a men’s fantasy retreat. Another man, a relative of Ivy, who inherited the manor, wants what he believes was stolen from him. Behind on their mortgage payments—the reason the mob is using to validate their destructive scheme—Queenie, has made a dire deal with Charon. The fates of the manor and the Sisterhood hang on the release of Ruby, who knows where the stolen goods are hidden, but when she returns to the manor, she is not the woman she used to be. Enter Persephone, a young feminist who wants to save the manor and the Sisterhood, if she could just understand the web of relationships and betrayals that binds the sisterhood together. Excellent!

Then, I finished reading Christy Climenhage’s The Midnight Project. Raina and Cedric are disgraced genetic engineers who run a bespoke reproduction assistance clinic in Long Harbour, Labrador, during what we might describe as the pre-apocalypse. They admit to being idealistic/naïve in failing to ensure their last contract included a clause to prevent the use of their gene editing method in ways which would result in destruction to ecosystems. Because that’s exactly what happened. The company they worked for used their gene editing technique to produce insect-resistant crops (Monsanto, anyone?). When bees and other beneficial pollinators began to die, the company blamed Raina and Cedric, fired them, and bound them with non-disclosure agreements so that they couldn’t even defend themselves.

As more and more species go extinct, climate change threatens coastal cities, and gangs of hoppers—rogue genetic modification attempts gone horribly wrong and released into an unsuspecting world—hunt humans, Raina and Cedric are barely getting by. Enter billionaire Burton Sykes, who says he wants them to create a viable—and more importantly ethical, even noble—human hybrid capable of riding out the coming global destruction in the depths of the ocean. While they are savvier in their contract negotiations this time, when they see signs that Sykes is not abiding by the terms of that contract, Raina and Cedric must take action to protect themselves and the nascent Ceph they’ve come to love. A thought-provoking and entertaining read.

Next, I finished We Bury Nothing by Kate Blair (coming Oct 2025). This engaging young adult mystery is written in dual timelines. While I think the first chapter would have worked better as a prologue, I understand that most editors and publishers aren’t fond of them. The chapter stands out because it’s not explicitly part of either timeline and is written from a point of view that doesn’t return in any other part of the novel. Prologues are okay when they serve a purpose, and chapter 1 works better as a prologue, in my opinion.

But I digress. Chapter 1 is from the point of view of George, a young guard at a German POW camp in the fictitious town of Westonville during WWII. He discovers the body of Erich Stein, one of the prisoners in the camp. There’s no indication of how he escaped, only that a wound on his head was the likely cause of his death. George knows Erich and weeps over the waste of a young life.

The first timeline tells Erich’s story, from the long train ride to Camp 43 to his untimely death.

In the present day, Keira has come to Westonville as one of several high school graduates to work at the Heritage Site that Camp 43 has become. She, Asha, Ephram, and Ruth submitted proposals for projects to work on over the summer all related to Camp 43. They’re all trying to get the Hopper Scholarship, which will pay for a full university degree. Keira’s project is to solve the mystery of Erich Stein’s death, and the scholarship is her only hope of attending university.

But when Ruth is found drowned after a local party, Keira finds herself trying to solve two mysteries and as the clues come together, she realizes the deaths—no, murders—are related. A fascinating and well-written novel. Loved!

I raced through Maggie Stiefvater’s The Listeners. This one’s a Mary Poppins read—practically perfect in every way! The Listeners is Stiefvater’s debut adult novel, and it was one of those reads that, while I almost couldn’t put it down, I was also already mourning the end of a story and world I wanted to stay in. And the characters! I subscribe to her Substack (surprise, surprise!) and in a recent post, Stiefvater said she stives to create reading experiences that invite return and study. She’s done that in spades. Adored!

June Porter Hudson is the general manager of the Avallon Hotel in West Virginia when the US enters WWII and is blindsided by the owner’s decision to offer the hotel to the government as a place to house foreign nationals (read Axis diplomats and their families) until they can safely return them to their home countries. Tucker Minnick is an FBI agent on a quest for redemption. This diplomatic mission may be his last. Complicating matters is the hotel’s sweetwater, which bubbles up in hot and cold springs and is pumped throughout the hotel. It takes on the emotions of the hotel’s patrons, which is why June strives to ensure everyone’s happiness. But with the Avallon’s current occupants, the sweetwater is taking on a lot of negativity. And when the sweetwater is unhappy, bad things happen.

June is the Avallon. Tucker is the Agency. Can they come together to save what they love?  

Then, I read Tom Leduc’s Palpitations. This is Tom’s second poetry collection published by Latitude 46. The poet states that each poem in this collection represents a “spark that can burn out in the dark or set the world on fire.” Divided into five sections, Leduc recounts the palpitations that have shaped his life. He admits that some poems may be made up but cannily declines to say which ones.

The first section, Freefall, addresses the palpitations of high school, sexual awakening, fumbling first love, and the legacy of familial wounds. Opposing Influences dances between youth and age, family life and relationships never realized, spirituality and religion. These palpitations are full of reflection, realization, and regret. The Night We Burned the Dragon’s Head is about rites of passage, revisiting the past, speculating about the future, and settling into the mindful present. The fourth section, Murmuration of Covid, may be self-explanatory, but the moments of the pandemic, a Christmas without family, queuing for vaccinations, the fifty-seventh covid test, physical distancing, and Zoom meetings are all worth revisiting. We were all there. The Marble King is populated with favourite places, things, people, and body parts, moments of crisis, and moments of dissolution.

Palpitations is a worthwhile read. You will resonate with each moment.

I gave the audiobooks a break toward the end of the month and listened to Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History: The Supernova in the East parts 1 through 6. Each episode of the podcast was about 4 hours long (!) It happened to dovetail with some of the other historical reading/research I was doing.

And that was the month in this writer’s life.

Until next month, be well and stay safe; be kind and stay strong. The world needs your stories!

I acknowledge with respect that I am in Robinson-Huron Treaty territory, that the land from which I write is the traditional territory of the Anishinaabe and home of Atikameksheng Anishnawbek and Wahnapitae First Nation.