My little love got sick, and I realized I’m not out of the burnout woods yet.

Life in general

Content warning for the generalized ick of pet parenthood. Much discussion of poop.

Torvi gave us a scare at the beginning of the month. On the night of the 2^nd, after some “soft serve” poops during the day, she was up all night with vomiting and diarrhea. Phil, as usual, shouldered the bulk of the work, staying up, or getting up to let Torvi out so she could relieve herself. I cleaned up the vomit in the house and took her out a couple of times. We did not feed her until supper the following day hoping her system would benefit from the “rest,” but she wasn’t interested in partaking when we put her kibbles out on Sunday. We tried to encourage her to drink so she wouldn’t get dehydrated.

If she didn’t improve by Monday, we’d call the vet. Fortunately, the continual stream of liqui-poop calmed down on Sunday and Torvi started to show interest in food again.

This was only one of several events/days that made what should have been a restorative 4-day weekend dysregulating.

I’d taken May 1^st and 2^nd off—‘cause I always take the quarter and cross-quarter observances off—and though the pressure seemed to be off on the big project at work, things still needed to get done, so I was still in a place where I had minimal/no spoons after work. I engaged in a little bedtime revenge procrastination on Wednesday night anticipating being able to sleep in the next day.

But Thursday started out with Phil’s cell phone ringing—since our mom health challenges last year, we both keep our phones on all the time, just in case. He hung up. Moments later, my phone rang. It was the furnace technician announcing his imminent arrival. I told Phil I was going back to sleep and he got up to deal with the tech. It was around 7:40 am.

Torvi set up a-barking when the tech arrived, and Phil locked her in the bedroom with me to keep her out of the tech’s way. It was a choice. She whined the whole time, and I did not get any more sleep.

The tech’s visit was blessedly short, but then Mom called wanting to go to the bank. She had to pay her taxes. Phil agreed to take her.

And that was it for me trying to sleep. I got up, already dysregulated out of the gate. So, I took my time with my morning ritual and felt a little calmer.

Returning from my walk with Torvi, I noticed a car in the driveway. I went to Mom’s, as I do every day, and when I got home, I saw that a friend was visiting, out of the blue. A pleasant surprise, but another disruption to my day’s plans. I had wanted to go shopping for another friend’s birthday present. I had my route and tasks all lined up but had to defer departure.

I’d also wanted to see if I could stop off at my publisher to pick up some books for review.

I set off on my planned shopping trip—and I should note here that I hate shopping—and got home just after 5. Unfortunately, I also forgot my Flare Calmer and was a bit buzzy. The publisher emailed that she was out of town, and I’d have to pick up the books the next week. Because I had taken off so late, I didn’t have a chance to deal with my email or read blog posts or anything. Supper arrived and then Torvi’s evening walk and by the time I finished clearing the daily slate it was after 11 pm.

I ended up revenge procrastinating until almost 3 am in a vain attempt to regulate before I got to bed. Surely, I could sleep in on Friday . . . Alas, no. I could not. The day was better, but when I went to ship my friend’s birthday package, the post office’s computer was down. So, no shipping and further disruption to my plans. That was the day Torvi started to have her difficulties. Though I got to bed at a reasonable time, there was little sleep Friday night.

Saturday, I managed to get the package shipped, but Mom was sick, Torvi was still sick, and Phil and I were heading to a family combo birthday celebration. The celebration itself was lovely, and the food was great, but I was masking my worry over both Mom and Torvi. Torvi slept through the night, and I slept through the night and Sunday seemed to be salvaged.

But Torvi’s health did not stabilize. Despite hand feeding and special dinners of rice, veggies and chicken, the diarrhea did not stop. We made an appointment with the vet.

It was likely Torvi had giardia, also called “beaver fever,” which is transmissible to humans.

I brought a ploop sample and came away with seven days worth of meds and a package of canine probiotics for her food. They couldn’t confirm giardia until the test results came back but were willing to treat the situation as if it was giardia and proceed with next steps when the results were returned.

As of the 9^th, Torvi was eating her medicated food and the diarrhea had stopped, but we were still waiting on an even half-formed stool. Which she had on the 10^th, much to our relief. She started consistently sleeping through the night, which allowed Phil and I to sleep. Things were improving.

The test results came back on the 12^th, and I received a follow up call from Torvi’s vet. No parasites were found, which surprised me. We were to finish the course of antibiotics and continue the probiotics to support Torvi’s return to “normal.”

And then came the realization, thanks to Torvi’s health issues, that I had not processed or taken care of myself through the family health trials of the past couple of years. I persisted in working throughout. Though I was getting back to my creative pursuits, I was still burned out, and it was time to do something about it.

So, I made an appointment with my doctor, reached out to EAP, and started on my road. I had my first appointment on Friday, May 16^th. She assigned me some reading/research on Internal Family Systems, I ordered some books and found some YouTube videos to watch.

At an ND coffee chat at work, someone shared this Substack: https://drdevonprice.substack.com/p/you-might-not-recover-from-burnout

Not gonna lie. It hit hard.

On May 20^th, the Tuesday following the Victoria Day long weekend, I started a sick leave that will carry me through to the end of June. Putting my own mask on first.

On the 27^th, I had my second session with EAP. Still getting stuff off my chest. My assignment before next session: get in touch with my emotions, ‘cause I’ve been repressing them too frickin’ long.

And now it’s time to move onto more pleasant topics, like the weird but ultimately lovely spring we’ve been having.

The weird part is that, despite the climate change thing, we actually had a winter this year and it held on long into spring. It’s really just been in the last couple of weeks that the plant world seems to have woken up. And now it’s playing catchup. HARD.

Usually, by the Victoria Day long weekend, the pin cherries and crab apples are in bloom, with lilacs in bud. We were about a week late this year, but in the last week of May, I gloried in the smells of the blossoms, and now that the lilacs were coming out, I celebrated by cutting a couple branches from the lilacs in my back yard and brought them in so I could revel in the smell even more.

I caught a spectacular halo around the sun while looking for the first sliver of the moon after the new.

The Canada goslings are out! I walked a stretch of Lily/Junction Creek, and the families were everywhere. Every couple of metres, there was another gaggle, and because I was with Torvi, mom and dad swiftly ushered their goslings into the creek. But I caught one proud papa posturing before mama could do her duty.

Urban wildlife makes me furiously happy.

The month in writing

I finally finished revisions on the final chapter of Reality Bomb on May 4^th (may the 4^th be with you!), but now the draft had ballooned to 123,077 words (!)

It was time to start my cutting pass.

At the end of the month, I’d gone through 12 and a half chapters and cut 692 words. At this rate, I’ll have to get more severe if I want to get even close to a 110k draft.

I wrote a poem and made a couple of poetry submissions before the end of the month. I also started work on a CNF flash piece that I hope to submit somewhere as well.

I received some disappointing news on the 21^st. My application to the Banff Science Fiction program was not successful. This is particularly sad given that I’d withdrawn or chosen not to apply for various opportunities to make financial room for this program. I do have some available spending room for other stuff, now, but I’m not jumping in immediately. I think a low-spending year might be a good change.

In writing business, the Writers’ Union of Canada’ pre-AGM meeting fell on the 22^nd and the AGM itself on the 29^th.

There was an SF Canada board meeting on the 26^th. Efficient, friendly. Stuff got done.

Also on the 26^th, I was advised of another literary festival’s impending demise. As the special virtual meeting for this won’t be held until June, I’ll wait to disclose details.

Filling the well

The month began with Beltaine (I spell it the way I spell it). I lit up my altar and thought about growing things.

The full flower moon in Scorpio was on the 12^th.

The new willow moon in Gemini was on the 26^th.

The orchid I thought would never recover bloomed!

In terms of writing-related events, I attended “Writing the World We Need” with Dani Abernathy on the 2^nd. Good affirmation of the need to embrace diversity in all its forms in our work.

On the 10^th, Vera Constantineau and I gave our Mothers Day poetry reading at the Copper Cliff branch of the Greater Sudbury Public Library. It was a lovely, intimate affair.

I signed up for a Bianca Marais webinar, “Circling the Building of Your Work” on the 13^th. An interesting approach.

The final Finnish class of the spring session was on the 5^th. Feeling accomplished and improved. I continued to practice with Duolingo, Inside Finnish Life, and a handful of YouTube channels. A classmate offered the link to an app, which I haven’t tried yet.

On the 3^rd, I attended a combined family birthday party. We hadn’t managed to get together for Easter, so it was a nice, relaxed night out at a favourite local restaurant, Ali Baba’s.

The May Good Company meeting was on the 28^th. The topic this month was about co-occurring conditions. I didn’t think I had many of these, but I have insomnia, GERD, eczema, restless legs, and I had menorrhagia and dysmenorrhea, and anemia. Just because I haven’t had EDS, MCAS, ME/CFS, IBS, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, or other significant issues doesn’t mean I’ve escaped co-occurring conditions altogether.

I had two days off work at the beginning of the month and Victoria Day long weekend, both of which were much-needed though only somewhat restorative (see above). Then, I started my sick leave after the May long weekend.

What I’m watching and reading

My first watch of May was The Book Thief (Disney +). It’s the sweet but harrowing tale of Liesel, whose Communist mother, after the death of her husband and son, gives her daughter up for adoption. Death, the narrator of the tale, takes an interest in the illiterate girl who will become the book thief.

I finished watching the first season of Daredevil: Born Again (Disney +). I like that it’s more or less a continuation of the Netflix series. The same darkness, the same Catholic self-flagellation, and the same bloody violence. I wasn’t as impressed by all the decisions made. To tell you which ones would be spoilers. All this to say that this was a solid entry in Marvel Television. They’ve finally found their footing after a couple of years of WTF series (Secret Invasion, anyone?).

Then, I finished watching the first season of Watson (CBS). A year after Holmes and Moriarty seemingly die by plunging off Reichenback Falls, Dr. John Watson returns to Philadelphia with a traumatic brain injury (TBI) that he’s still recovering from to open the Holmes Clinic. He’s a geneticist and has assembled a team of highly skilled young doctors to help him solve impossible medical mysteries using the deductive reasoning techniques he learned from Holmes. He’s also attempting to reconnect to his estranged wife Mary even as she asks for a divorce. And before the first episode ends, there’s evidence that Moriarty did not die and has nefarious plans for Watson, his team, and their clinic. The first episode was a bit of a fire hose, but the series settled into a pattern after that and resolved Watson’s relationship woes after a couple more episodes, streamlining the season’s throughline. Medical mystery of the week complicated by Moriarty’s machinations. It’s been renewed for a second season. I’ll watch it.

Next was the third season of Will Trent (ABC). Everyone’s dealing with the fall out from last season. You know, Will arresting Angie? No sooner is that sorted out, when Will is traumatized by accidentally shooting a kid, “saves” Faith’s son, Jeremy, from a drug bust by saying he’s a confidential informant, which he must then become, and Ormewood finds out he has a brain tumour. Add to that a fraudulent and murderous cult, a childhood friend of Will’s who’s now a gang leader (and technically Jeremy’s “boss”), and you have a wild and entertaining season. There’s more, but this series is one of the best to come out of network TV. You should catch it.

I also finished the latest season (six, I think?) of The Rookie (ABC). Bailey is hunted by her recently-escaped criminal ex. Nyla and James are trying to balance her police work with his community activism. Tim and Lucy are trying to figure out what they are. There are two new rookies, one of whom is a problem. The usual assortment of crises abounds, and a few old enemies show up to make things interesting. I’ll keep watching.

Then, I finished watching the latest season of Grey’s Anatomy (ABC). Yes, I’m still watching 20 seasons on. The usual soap opera, ending with a literal blast.

Next, I watched the first season of X-Men ’97 (Disney +). The animation is a significant improvement over the original series, and I liked the stories better. I won’t say more, but if you’re a fan of the original or the comics, you’ll probably love X-Men ’97.

I finished season two of The Last of Us (HBO). This one’s rough. If you’ve played the game, you know what happens, and though I haven’t played the game, I had some spoilery insight from New Rockstars. Still, episode two hit hard, and the rest of the season dealt with the emotional fallout of those events. Bella Ramsey is STELLAR. The final episode ends on a cliffhanger before restarting the Seattle timeline, this time, from Abby’s perspective.

Next up was the final season of The Handmaid’s Tale (CTV Drama). I’m just going to spoil it all. You have been warned. June and Serena have a moment on a train, which June then shoves Serena and her baby Noah off, albeit to save their lives. June and Nicole reunite with June’s mother in Alaska. Serena, after a brief respite with a commune, is taken to New Jerusalem. June leaves Nicole in Alaska and hurls herself back into the fight. Their first target, Jezebel’s – to kill the commanders and free the former handmaids – is foiled by a weak-willed Nick, admittedly in a tough spot, who gives away the plot to save his own skin, resulting in the mass murder of all the girls but Janine at Jezebel’s. Reeling from the betrayal, June despairs, then rallies, deciding to infiltrate Serena’s upcoming wedding to kill the commanders and free the handmaids there. While this plot is more successful, the high commanders survive and June and Moira are caught with their group of handmaids, including Janine. They’re about to be executed when Luke and a bunch of Mayday resistance fighters open fire and American troops arrive. Serena, captured in the chaos, reveals where the high commanders plan to meet. June convinces Lawrence to plant a bomb on the high commander’s plane, but the other commanders arrive, and he must board. At the last minute, Nick arrives and boards the plane too. June watches as the plane ascends and then explodes. The last episode is slow and reflective. Janine is reunited with her daughter, Charlotte, Serena is sent to a refugee camp, June’s mom arrives with Nicole, and June and Luke go their separate ways, each determined to destroy what remains of Gilead and find Hannah. They promise to reunite in Colorado, where Hannah lives. There’s some Aunt Lydia action, and Emily returns in the final episode, so we get an update on her, too. And . . . of course, June begins to write a book about her experiences. I would have liked to see more of Moira, but the focus of the last episode was firmly on the white women. Here endeth the spoilers.

I watched Mickey 17 (Crave) over several sittings. Loved this absurdist sci-fi and its message that kindness and love will overcome fascism and cruelty every time.

Finally, I watched the latest series of Doctor Who (Disney +). Phil started watching it with me, but lost interest. Ncuti Gatwa hasn’t captured him, I guess. I thought the season was interesting and, in Russel T. Davies fashion, many of the disparate episodal stories all came together in the finale. The only spoiler I’ll offer: the next Doctor is being played by Billie Piper?!

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 My first listen of the month was Japanese Fairy Tales, by Yei Theodora Ozaki. While there are some similarities to European fairy tales, most notably the tale of a princess, or hime, whose stepmother wishes to kill her (like Snow White), the tales are not often as cruel or bloody. Several of the villains renounce their evil ways. Many of the tales focus on animals as helpers, and some of the tales are bittersweet.

Then, I listened to Mary Robinette Kowal’s The Martian Contingency. I love these books so hard! The last novel in the series followed Nicole Wargin on the moon while Elma York, the Lady Astronaut, was on her way to Mars. Now, we return to Elma’s story on a second Mars mission where she and her fellow colo—sorry, inhabitants—are busy paving the way for the next wave of families from Earth. She had to stay in orbit with Stetson Parker on that first mission. This time, she gets to land and work with her husband, Nathaniel (!) Seriously, stable, loving relationships are at the heart of these books. And Kowal writes them so well! But soon, gaps in the first mission logs become apparent, and as Elma investigates, the mystery deepens until an equipment failure puts future landings in jeopardy. As the truth is unearthed, Elma learns the terrible secret of the first Mars mission and must bring her crew together as Martians to get Bradbury Base back on track before Mission Control pulls the plug on Mars altogether.

Next was Traditional Irish Fairy Tales by James Stephens. These are tales from the Fenian Cycle of Irish mythology framed by an attempt by Finnian, the Abbott of Moville, to convert Tuan mac Cairill to Christianity. Tuan recounts his origins and then launches into the tales of the Fenian Cycle. Very different from the other cultural tales I’ve read recently and very good.

Then, I finished the Tensorate Series by Neon Yang. This is a collection of Yang’s three novellas, The Black Tides of Heaven, The Red Threads of Fortune, and The Descent of Monsters, which focus on Akeha and Mokoya, the twin children of the Protector. The first novella is Akeha’s story, following them and their sibling Mokoya as they are sold to a monastery as part of a deal made before they were born, from childhood to adulthood, when Akeha makes the decision to support the Machinist rebels.

The second novella follows Mokoya, grievously injured in the climactic events of the first novella and still grieving the loss of her child. She was a prophet and lost that ability, as well. She runs from her grief by hunting naga (dragons) until she is forced to face it, and a huge naga that can tens.

The third novella is an epistolary one, told through journal entries and reports, redacted and whole. It covers an investigation into atrocities committed at a classified research facility that threaten to expose secrets the Protectorate wants to remain hidden.

While I enjoyed the first two novellas, the third was a little tedious, especially when it came to the redacted reports. I loved Yang’s worldbuilding, though. Every child gets to choose their own gender and is offered state-sponsored reassignment surgery provided by tensors. Magic is called tensing, its practitioners, tensors. And they have raptors as mounts and animal companions. Very cool.

I listened to a short audiobook, Listening to the Big Bang by Brian Greene. He covers the history of the big bang theory and all the physicists who contributed to it, opposed it, and where the theory stands today.

Next, I finished the romantasy The Twisted Throne by Danielle L. Jensen, book 5 in The Bridge Kingdom series. What is it with me and reading things out of order? Because Jensen focuses on a different character’s journey every couple books (so, it’s more like a series of interconnected duologies), I started at a good time.

Book 5 tells Ahnna’a story. She’s not only a princess of Ithacana and twin sister to it’s king, Ahren, but a soldier who put her life on the line for her people. The war left Ithacana impoverished, though, and Ahnna blames herself, so she willingly goes to Harendell when its king calls in the terms of a long-held agreement between the two kingdoms. Ahnna will be wed to King Edward’s son, William, who is an irresponsible spendthrift. Still, Ahnna needs Harendell’s wealth to feed her starving people. But the longer she stays in Harendell, the more political intrigue she uncovers, and the closer she gets to the wrong prince.

Then, I listened to Great Heroes and Heroines of Hawaiian Heritage by Leilani Basham, another Great Courses and Audible Originals collaboration. Basham covers some of the key figures, men and women, of Hawaiian history from the 19^th and 20^th centuries and how the colonization of Hawaii was and is still being resisted and shaped by its Indigenous people. This tragically familiar history hits all the marks, from cultural genocide to the recovery of the Hawaiian language and culture. Existence is resistance.

And that was the month in this writer’s life.

Until next month, be well and stay safe; be kind and stay strong. The world needs your stories!

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I acknowledge with respect that I am in Robinson-Huron Treaty territory, that the land from which I write is the traditional territory of the Anishinaabe and home of Atikameksheng Anishnawbek and Wahnapitae First Nation.