My brain, she does not brain. Oh! And … May the fourth be with you. See what I mean? My priorities are all messed up.
Life in general
With the political pandemonium and continuing chaos at work, it was all I could do to manage my spoons day-to-day.
April started with a dysregulating week at work. My project co-lead (really, the project lead—I was more of an assistant) went on holidays and I and another instructional designer attached to the project tried to divide up her duties between us.
I could not deal, people, especially when I discovered something that would make the lot of us look incompetent in courses that had already been uploaded to the learning management system. Add to that two incomplete translations (we risk-managed due to time constraints) coming back at the same time as client content reviews with additional changes (that were also not included in the translation), and I had a shutdown.
My brain refused to process any of it, but I did what I’ve done for the 20 years of my career prior to diagnosis and kept working on other parts of the project. You can imagine how well all that went.
This resulted in my usual case of Sunday scaries transforming into full-on weekend scaries. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, I woke up at 2 or 3 or 4 am and ruminated in overdrive. Friday night, my heart was bounding out of my chest. It felt like a panic attack. I did work out part of a solution, though.
Saturday, part 2 of the solution came through. And Sunday, I rehearsed the plan, ‘cause it involved a discussion with my team leader, and I had to feel confident in what I had to say.
But all 3 nights, I was sleeping with my weighted blanket and my weighted sleeping mask and my ear plugs. Sensory input minimized (to the max)! I shouldn’t have had an internal meltdown like this if my shutdown was due to sensory overwhelm.
That leaves the disruption to my routine and sudden demands. Autistic inertia and demand avoidance for the win!
I was exhausted. And vibrating. I hadn’t had a shutdown/meltdown this bad since August of 2021.
Fortunately, my plan resulted in a validating meeting with my TL and actionable steps to delegate some work, defer other work, and make space for my brain to process. Also reassuring: there will be a full content review conducted by our client’s Executive Head. Any changes identified/required by this review will mean amendment to the e-learning and reuploading to the LMS anyway. So, the problem I identified would not really be a problem.
I slept through the night on Monday and felt more level on Tuesday. Still a little dopey, but also calmer. I delegated work and accomplished a satisfying amount of work myself.
In the health arena, I’ve survived the change of seasons without an outbreak or blepharitis. As soon as the weather rose above freezing, I added the Ryaltris nasal spray to my regime of twice-daily neti-pots, Emergen-C, and ColdFX. So far, so good (she says, knocking on every available wooden surface).
I forgot to mention it last month, but I got Torvi in for her annual checkup. This year, she was due for her vaccines, which expired at the end of January, but post-pandemic, my vet has experienced some challenges. Last year, Torvi’s annual exam was pushed into March and though I booked this year’s at that time, they didn’t have an opening until May 1st. Torvi was unprotected, in the middle of her mid-winter shed, and groomers require a vaccination certificate.
So, I called, and the receptionist suggested a virtual exam. I jumped at the opportunity. The technicians conducted the physical exam and vaccinations with a vet supervising over zoom. A friend was offered a virtual exam for her dog but felt that paying full price for half an appointment was a bit of a cheat. I’d rather have my grrl protected.
Voted in the federal election on April 18, 2025, in the advance voting period with Phil and Mom. There were lineups! And initial numbers indicated that people voted early in record numbers. As of the end of the month, the Liberals have a minority government, but there are several outstanding polling stations where validation is still in progress.
And I haven’t even mentioned the shit show that was RFK Jr.’s autism registry. Mutant registry, anyone? Even though it was in the US, when the initiative was announced, the Canadian federal election hadn’t yet been decided, and the possibility of a maple MAGA government was real. Fortunately, the NIH walked things back thanks to the focus efforts of the autistic community, but the fight isn’t over.
Strength to your sword arms, my American ND friends!
The month in writing
Reader, it was not good. At least at first. The above-mentioned difficulties at work meant that I had few, if any spoons in the evenings to devote to my creative work.
But I persevered. Writing is, if nothing else, one of my special interests. I created a rough query last month and finished the synopsis early in April and, as I’d hoped, creating these two documents allowed me to see in a bird’s eye sense where I could focus my trimming efforts.
Then, I moved onto fixing my final chapter. I struggled initially, not having the brain power to sort out the way forward ‘cause no spoons = no brain power.
But with the respite of the Easter long weekend, I rallied and made some headway.
On the 12th, as I publicized last month, I joined the lovely Vera Constantineau for a spring/National Poetry Month reading at the South End branch of the Sudbury Public Library. It was an intimate event, with 3 friends from the Sudbury Writers’ Guild and two of my former high school teachers. Vera and I read and went a little overtime with the Q&A.
We’re going to do it all over again on May 10th, at the Copper Cliff branch of the GSPL, just in time for Mothers’ Day.
Then, on the 21st, I recorded an episode of Show Don’t Tell Writing with Suzy Vadori! We had a fabulous time.
And in a super quick turnaround, it was released on the 22nd! It turned out great! Have a listen here and consider subscribing to Suzy’s podcast.
In a lovely surprise, periodicity journal’s virtual reading series #33 featuring me, Kate Cayley, Mahaila Smith, Susan Gevirtz, and Noah Berlatsky was posted on the 28th. So grateful to rob mclennan for all he does for Canadian poetry and poets.
Filling the well
The full sugaring moon in Libra was on the 12th. The night before, the almost-full moon was a delightful pink. I honoured the night with a guided meditation.
The new alder moon in Taurus was on the 27th. A truly lovely day. Sunny, warm, and low-key. Did another guided meditation.
In writerly events, the last session of Starting it Right with Cece Lyra was on the 3rd. This session, she critiqued submissions. Useful analysis. And food for thought.
I attended the launch of A Thousand Tiny Awakenings at Laurentian University’s Indigenous Learning Centre on the 5th. It was lovely to hear Connor Lafortune, Lindsay Mayhew, and Blaine Thornton read in person and enjoy several audio or video recordings from other anthology authors. And there was cake (!)
The 12th, when my poetry reading with Vera at the GSPL was scheduled, was also the day of Can-Con Virtual—oops! But I caught the sessions I wanted to, before and after the reading and a couple days later, I was able to catch the sessions I missed with replay links.
Finally, The FOLD started on April 27th. I watched most of it in replay, because working.
Finnish classes continued throughout the month on Monday nights.
I had a lovely massage on the 9th. Have I mentioned how much I love my RMT?
My semi-annual dentist appointment was on the 23rd.
My support group also met on the evening of the 23rd. The topic this month was meltdowns and shutdowns.
And I enjoyed the long Easter weekend rest.
What I’m watching and reading
I finished watching the whole run of the original X-Men (Disney +). I remember seeing a few episodes, here and there, but I was mostly past my cartoon-watching phase by the time the show ran. And yes, I’m that old. Enjoyable, but the animation does not age well. I wanted to watch the series mostly as a background for X-Men ’97, which is what I’m watching now.
Then, I finished watching the second season of Severance (Apple TV +). Just, OMG, so good! I can’t really say anything about this series without spoiling it. Several major reveals. Mark S and Mark Scout have a conversation. How many severed personalities does Gemma have? And is she safe now? What do Mark S and Helly R intend to do? And yeah, it’s all vague-booking. But it is one of the, if not the, best series on streaming today.
Next, Phil and I watched the third season of Wheel of Time (Prime). Everyone (almost) levels up. Perrin becomes Lord Perrin Goldeneyes after his defense of Two Rivers from the Trolloc hoards, but Loial sacrifices himself to close the Waygate and Perrin hands himself over to the Whitecloaks. Rand travels to the Aiel Waste and enters Rhuidean where he undergoes a trial. He finally sheds Lanfear’s influence and becomes the Ca’ra’carn while Morgaine defeats Lanfear. Nyneave finally overcomes her block when Leandrin tries to kill her. Mat reunites with Min and encounters an Eelfinn who grants him three wishes. Though he gets rid of the memories haunting him since he blew the Horn of Valere, the Eelfinn hangs him as part of the “price.” A lot (and I mean a LOT) more happens, but that’s all I’ll say here. It’s worth watching.
Then I watched Flow (Crave). A-MA-zing! I can see why this movie won a Golden Globe and Academy Award. This is a movie that will stick with me for a while, and it may take some time and potentially additional viewings to tease out all the implications. No humans, no dialogue, and no narrative or voiceover. Just animals, the sounds of nature, and story. First impressions though . . . a fable about climate change; a non-human version of the flood myth; a post-human (post-apocalyptic?) world; an affirmation of animal intelligence and emotion; a bittersweet tale of found family and unavoidable loss; a secretary bird as Christ figure. Like I said, I’m going to be thinking about Flow for a while. Loved this movie SO HARD.
I also watched The Electric State (Netflix). This movie was a little different from the other robot-related media I’ve been taking in recently (The Wild Robot, A Psalm for the Wild-Built). Definitely not as cozy. In this world, Robots and humans went to war in the 90s. Protagonist Michelle is the only survivor of a car crash that happened as her family tried to escape the conflict. Shortly thereafter, Sentre CEO Ethan Skate invents neurocaster technology, allowing humans to remotely control drone robots and win the war. Neurocaster technology becomes universal after that. Everyone works, learns, and plays using their neurocasters. Everyone, that is, except Michelle, who is traumatized by losing her family and years of trying to survive foster care. Until a robot shows up that she figures out is her brother and she sets off to rescue his body from Sentre.
This movie was adapted from the graphic novel of the same name and has been largely panned, despite being written by the McFeelys, produced by the Russos, and having a star-studded cast. It’s also one of the most expensive movies ever produced, which may have something to do with the critical response. I didn’t think it was that bad. Yes, there were a lot of missed opportunities, but it was a perfectly enjoyable post-apocalyptic action movie. You can’t really go all in on the action movie vibe and have a deep philosophical conversation about technology, humanity, and whether the kid in Omelas needs to be freed at the expense of the society their suffering made possible. That’s one of the missed opportunities I was talking about.
My first read of April (April!) 2025 was Somewhere Beyond the Sea by TJ Klune, the second of the Cerulean Chronicles. This novel continues the tale begun in The House on the Cerulean Sea, in which Linus Baker, a hapless drone in the Department in Charge of Magical Youth (DiCoMY), finds his life upended in the most pleasant way when he is assigned to assess the conditions in one of DiCoMY’s orphanages for magical children.
This novel is told from Arthur Parnassus’s perspective. He’s worked hard to make a good life on the ashes of his old one. Literally. Abused as a child in the same orphanage he returned to run, Arthur still hasn’t overcome the trauma of his past. Though he now has a loving partner in Linus and six wonderful magical children, the Department in Charge of Magical Adults (DiCoMA) and DiCoMY have it out for him, calling him to testify in a thinly veiled attempt to discredit him and take the children he has applied to adopt.
Somewhere Beyond the Sea is a story of resistance, lovingly told, about the daunting experience of fighting for the life you want to live and doing the work to keep it. Loved!
Then, I read A Thousand Tiny Awakenings, an anthology edited by Connor Lafortune and Lindsay Mayhew. This elegant, slim anthology features the poetry and prose of 15 dynamic young voices. Every piece in the anthology is a wakeup call.
I listened to English Fairly Tales by Flora Annie Steel. A lot of familiar material in this collection of tales, and a lot of surprising intersections with the Norwegian Folktales I read last month.
Next, I read Heavenly Tyrant by Xiran Jay Zhao, the second in her Iron Widow series. At the end of the first novel, Zetien had just revived Emperor Qin Zheng and lost Shimin when the gods took the wreckage of the Vermilion Bird to the Heavenly Court. Now she and Qin Zheng are reluctantly thrust together as Emperess and Emperor and Zetien must play the part perfectly. The gods are watching. Qin Zheng sets off a Communist revolution and Zetien uses her influence to improve the lives of women. Secretly, Qin Zheng trains Zetien so they’ll be ready to attack the Heavenly Court and kill the gods. Excellent!
And I caught the place where Zhao wanted to include “The Peggy Hill Amendment.” IYKYK. LMAO.
Then, I read Indian Fairy Tales, collected and edited by Joseph Jacobs. The more folk and fairy tales I read from different cultures, the more similarities I find. It’s interesting to get this taste of another culture’s tales. Very good.
I finished reading A Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers. Gave me the same vibes as The Wild Robot. It’s set in a post-industrial world in which robots decided they would no longer work in factories for humans. Centuries after the robots wandered into the wilderness, society has settled into a kind of ecological utopia. Small, self-sustaining communities, green energy, but there is still technology. In this world, the best tea monk (read therapist) in Panga finds themselves dissatisfied with their life. They set out to find an ancient hermitage. And then, a robot walks out of the wilderness. Truly lovely.
Next, I listened to Zen Cho’s short fiction collection Spirits Abroad. These ten speculative stories weave together Malaysian myth and folklore with everyday life. A Datin recalls her romance with an orang bunian; a teenage pontianak struggles to balance homework, bossy aunties, first love, and eating people; an earth spirit gets entangled in protracted negotiations with an annoying landlord; we watch Chang E evolve over the course of four generations; an imugi is foiled in its ascent to dragonhood, but when it seeks revenge on the human responsible, it falls in love with her instead (such a lovely story!); and a timid second wife tries to escape her life in hell. When these stories are brought to life by a narrator who knows the language and idiomatic speech of the characters, it’s even better. Loved!
Then, I finished reading Linghun by Ai Jiang. This Nebula-Award-winning novella is a modern gothic. Set in the mysterious town of Home, a place where people who can’t release their beloved dead move to reunite with them, Linghun tells the story of Wenqi, Liam, and Mrs. Wenqi’s family has moved from Toronto into one of Home’s haunted houses to summon the ghost of her brother, who died when he was a child. Wenqi barely remembers him and wants to go back to Toronto and live an actual life. Liam and his family are “lingerers,” people who can’t afford a haunted house and engage in blood-sport auctions when one becomes available. Liam has been assigned the task of making Wenqi and her family give up their house, but Liam has other ideas. Mrs. lives and dies in the house where her deceased husband refuses to apparate, but she has a strange connection to both Wenqi and Liam. Great, creepy read!
And that was the month in this writer’s life.
Until next month, be well and stay safe; be kind and stay strong. The world needs your stories!
I acknowledge with respect that I am in Robinson-Huron Treaty territory, that the land from which I write is the traditional territory of the Anishinaabe and home of Atikameksheng Anishnawbek and Wahnapitae First Nation.
Always Looking Up 