Things get worse before they get better

Life in general

I recovered from my illness on the 2^nd. Mostly. I suffered aftereffects of it for more than two weeks, but damn, as soon as my body/brain was forced to slow down, it did not want to speed up again. The exhaustion was heavier. I slept longer. I moved slower through each day. It was too cool to go swimming, and some days I couldn’t rouse myself to do anything physical other than walk Torvi.

But I started getting back to some form of normal slowly. The yoga came back on Mondays and Fridays. The weightless workout on Wednesdays. I was still sleeping in. I was still moving slowly through my day. My body/brain needs rest. But my body was feeling better.

When I started this sick leave, I was almost 170 lbs. By mid-September, I cracked 160. I lost a lot of weight in 2021. My lowest was 140 lbs, but I was too thin at that weight and levelled out at 150. I’ve been steadily regaining the weight since. If I can get back down to 150, that would be ideal, but if I can keep myself below 160, I’ll be content.

I think all the sleep I’m getting is helping. Sleep is foundational. It has so many positive, knock on effects.

I decided to hold off investing in a three-month adult swim pass until November. There are a few writerly events coming in October that will mean I won’t be able to take full advantage of the pass. Also, I was still sleeping in so late that it limited the times I could swim. It would have meant further adjustments to my daily rituals, and I didn’t want to overwhelm myself with change. I decided to let my current patterns settle into habit before I introduced another element.

I felt clearer. But still heavy, still tired.

I continued checking in with my body/brain every morning. How many spoons did I have? Where did I want to spend them? I’d skip lunchtime reading if I had to. I may have opened my documents but didn’t actually write. I was showing up as I could.

I started removing things from my life that I had been using as regulation/support, but that I now realized were not serving me. Like my time-waster game. I used to use it to wind down in the evenings, but it was no longer fun, and I realized that I was spending a lot of money on it. Even though the game is free, there are in-game incentives to purchase gems (currency) and keep your self flush with artefacts. I expect I’ll save more than $100 a month from uninstalling it >embarrassed face< I shifted the 2 to 3 hours I used to play >embarrassed face redux< to additional writing and personal reading time.

I started getting to bed earlier.

I reduced my twice daily sudoku to once a day. I initially reduced daily spider to weekends only but then decided to play it in the evenings as a reward on the days I wrote (or comfort when I didn’t). I took Sundays off from my Duolingo practice (Finnish and Irish) and lunchtime reading.

I started unsubscribing from newsletters, decluttering my inbox.

Weekly planning and tarot/oracle cards moved to Mondays (from Thursday for planning and Friday for tarot), so I could start my week off on an even keel.

As the month progressed, I settled into my new life-in-progress.

The month in writing

My writing progress was still uneven, but I started to work on Reality Bomb again! By the end of the month, I had reviewed 17 chapters (!)

I finished a longer poem and then wrote two more.

I started working on another review, then finished it, and submitted it!

Writing felt easier. I started looking forward to it again and moved into flow more often when I did.

Signs of healing, I think.

On the 5^th, Can-Con Ops shared their finalized program! Once again, I’m part of two panels. The first is Toxic Writing Relationships on Friday, October 16 at 5:30 pm. The second is Killing/Saving Your Darlings on Saturday, October 17 at 4 pm.

I’m also hosting an SF Canada Meetup Saturday morning at 10 am.

On the 17^th, I received notice that my application to the Banff Futurisms Intensive was not accepted. I’m disappointed that I won’t be able to work with Nalo Hopkinson.

But there is another opportunity on the horizon. Banff is offering a Fantastic and Futuristic Writers Residency in September 2027 with faculty mentors Amal El-Mohtar, Anuja Varghese, and Alaya Dawn Johnson, and guest speaker Dongwon Song. I’ll have to brush up on my proposal writing skills. I think that’s where I’m weakest right now due to executive dysfunction.

My review of Brit Griffin’s The Haunting of Modesto O’Brien was published in The Seaboard Review of Books on the 21^st.

In writerly business, the September SF Canada Board meeting was on the 12^th. Lots of action items this time around, but we reviewed all the documents beforehand and the meeting went smoothly. I took care of the most important action items immediately after.

Filling the well

The new hazel moon in Virgo was on the 10^th.

The autumnal equinox was on the 22^nd, though it had been feeling like fall since mid-August. Interestingly, it was the start of a warmish stretch. We’d already had to close up the house and even turn on the furnace a time or two. Torvi and I enjoyed the lovely fall weather.

The full changing colours moon in Aries was on the 26^th.

In terms of writing-related events, Revision Alchemy continued through September. I actually made it to the evening Zoom meeting on September 1^st! I’ve missed July and August’s and watched them as recordings. I received some lovely support from some lovely humans. I didn’t stay for the co-writing as I was still in the no-write zone at this point. I was also able to attend the coffee chat on the evening of the 25^th. Breakout rooms prompted conversation. I didn’t stay for the co-writing this time, either, but it was because I’d already conquered two chapters that day and my brain was ready to shut down for the night.

I signed up for a free, three-day training about “Opting Out of Urgency” with Sarah Tacy on the 10^th, 15^th, and 17^th. I watched all the sessions on replay because I was still sleeping in so late, I wasn’t functional by the time the live sessions were being held. Enlightening.

I signed up for “Post-Dystopian Space Exploration” with Mary Robinette Kowal and Dr. Sian Proctor through Clarion West on the 12^th. Great conversation!

I registered for K.M. Weiland’s masterclass on “Flat Character Arcs: From Transformation to Integration” on the 22^nd. Because I was taking my mom to an appointment, I watched the replay. It was a more in-depth exploration of concepts she’s already introduced in her character arcs and archetypal characters arcs books. Excellent.

On the 24^th, I signed up for another Clarion West talk. “Mycology, Decay, and Metaphors for Community” with T. Kingfisher and Daniel Winkler was interesting! And T. Kingfisher was hilarious.

Rod Carley was in town doing a book signing at Indigo on the 26^th. I stopped by to get a copy of The Great Catsby by Hilton, graciously signed by his human, Rod. Scott Overton showed up while I was there, and I rewarded myself with 8 small (in terms of pages, not dimensions) journals, and an iced chai latte and ginger chewy from Good Earth.

Finally, I signed up for another Banff Centre information session on the 29^th in the hopes of finally learning something about the science fiction and fantasy programs that I want to attend.

I took my mom to her doctor’s appointment on the 15^th. She’d had some bloodwork and an ECG the week previous, and the ECG revealed some atrial fibrillation. She was prescribed blood thinners, referred for a Holter monitor, and referred to an endocrinologist for her elevated calcium (hypercalcemia).

She’s had elevated calcium at least since her last surgery and hospitalization in 2024. They identified some nodules in her parathyroid gland around that time, but when she saw the specialist, he said surgery would not be necessary. I remember at the time researching both parathyroid nodules and excess calcium in the system and noting that hypercalcemia could affect memory, cause skill regression, and all the things that are concerning me about my mom right now.

It’s frustrating that the doctor didn’t act until a-fib was detected. It feels like if they’d acted when the problem first arose that they could have prevented a lot of what Mom’s going through now. I’m hoping that a solution is forthcoming, but the speed of referral in northeastern Ontario means we may be waiting a while.

Fortunately, we were called by the NEO Heart Clinic within a few days, and they scheduled her for an appointment on September 30^th, when Mom got another ECG and the Holter monitor.

I took Mom to get our hair cut on the 22^nd. The stairs are getting more challenging for her, but it felt good to be freshened up for fall!

My support group started up meetings after their summer vacation with a session on nervous system regulation on the 17^th. It was good to see some familiar faces again and I was amazed by how many of us were deep in the depths of burnout.

My next therapy session was on the 24^th. Again, there was some processing and recounting of what I’ve been experimenting with now that I have some time to dedicate to self-care. My approach was validated. Next, we’re going to be incorporating the values work we did earlier in the year into my burnout recovery strategy, focusing of the values that are most fulfilling to me. Afterward, I rewarded myself with an iced coffee with espresso foam from Tim Hortons.

And Torvi’s touch-up was on the 20^th. Another trouble-free appointment. And I committed the sin of buying her a Hallowe’en costume. I don’t know if she’ll wear it, but we’ll see what she thinks.

Other seasonal scenes from my dogwalks:

What I’m watching and reading

My first watch of September was Lucky (Apple TV). Lucky (Luciana) is the con artist daughter of a con artist (now in prison) who is married to a con artist celebrating their theft of $10 million from his mother and estranged father, who will now most likely kill them both. But after a night of celebration, Lucky wakes up alone and the money is gone. In short order, FBI agent Billie Rand closes in, and then her mother-in-law Priscilla arrives looking for her son and the money, and Lucky goes on the run, evading both Rand and Priscilla, finds her errant husband and the money, and tries to get out of her situation, and her criminal career, alive. Fun and twisty. Watched it because I adore Anya Taylor-Joy.

Then, I finished watching Tales from Earthsea (Netflix). While it’s a decent movie and it did twig my memory into moments of the original Earthsea trilogy, it’s nothing like Le Guin’s novels (she said this herself). The kingdom of Enlad is dealing with widespread disease. Prince Arren kills his father and steals his sword. Arren is later rescued from wolves by a man who is later revealed to be Sparrowhawk. They visit Hort Town where Tenar lives with the orphaned Therru. An evil wizard and a quest to restore the balance tie up in Arren’s quest to find peace with himself after his patricide (which is never really explained). It’s a bit of a mess of a story, but I enjoyed it for all that.

A note about these movies. Not every Studio Ghibli movie is a Hayao Miyazaki movie, but all Hayao Miyazaki movies are Studio Ghibli movies. If you get what I mean.

Next, I watched season 3 of Silo (Apple TV). This is a hard one to summarize without getting into spoilers, but here goes. Three months after the rebellion, silo 18 appears peaceful. Juliette is now mayor, but something is off. She can’t remember anything that happened before waking up in medical. She gets flashes of memories, but they just confuse her. Bernard has died and Camille is now head of IT. Sims is now head of judicial and has little influence over his wife or the raiders he used to command. In the past Congressman Daniel Keen and journalist Helen Drew are slowly drawn into the web of the silo project. The two storylines converge in a bizarre way in the final episodes, and several massive revelations point to an interesting final season.

I finished watching Porco Rosso (Netflix), another Studio Ghibli movie I hadn’t yet watched. Marco Pagot is a former WWI flying ace who has become a bounty hunter in the Adriatic. He’s been cursed to look like a pig (by whom and what means, it’s never said) and has taken the name Porco Rosso (the Crimson Pig). There is a lot of porcine name-calling throughout the movie by various characters including Porco himself, but there are moments when he is unguarded, or has achieved a moral victory in which his human appearance is revealed. It may be part of Myazaki’s anti-fascist, anti-war sensibilities and a comment on what we now know as PTSD. Marco lost his brother in the war in a dog fight he barely escaped himself. He remains friends with his brother’s widow, Gina, who owns the Adriatic Hotel, and she waits for the day he will join her on her private patio. It’s clear that Marco/Porco suffers from survivor’s guilt and that he feels that he doesn’t deserve Gina’s love. He rescues children from pirates and tries to make up for his part in WWI. A strangely philosophical movie for having a pig as its protagonist.

Then, I watched Pom Poko (Netflix). This movie is narrated like a wildlife documentary. The tanuki (shapeshifting raccoons—Hachi from Inu Yasha is one) of the Tama Hills outside Tokyo are endangered when their forest habitat is increasingly developed by humans. They use their shapeshifting abilities to try to scare the construction workers away, but more workers appear the next day. In desperation, they reach out to the elders of distant tanuki temples for help. Years later, one of the messengers returns with three masters from Shikoku Island temple, where the tanuki are still worshipped and human encroachment is not a problem. They train the tanuki to stage a ghost parade, but the humans are entertained rather than frightened, and a local theme park owner takes credit for the spectacle. This failure sends the tanuki spiraling. One group embarks on a campaign of eco-terrorism but are run over by a truck. One of the elders goes senile and starts a Buddhist dancing cult, sailing away in an illusory boat with all the tanuki who can’t shapeshift. Another group approaches the human media to protest their habitat’s destruction. Another of the elders is approached by a kitsune (shapeshifting fox) and considers using his shapeshifting abilities to join human society. An interesting fable, but I found the prominent balls on the male tanuki disturbing.

Next, I watched Graveyard of the Fireflies (Netflix). This was an award-winning Studio Ghibli movie, but I’m here to warn you that it’s deeply depressing. It begins with the death of a young boy, Seita. In post-war Japan, he sits despondent in a train station while people pass him, muttering. Some are sympathetic, but most are derisive. One leaves some food, which is ignored. Seita has given up. When his body is taken away, his one possession, a candy tin, is tossed. In a spectral field of fireflies, the spirit of Seita reunites with the spirit of his little sister, Setsuko. Then the movie rewinds to reveal the tragic tale of how these two children became orphans and then died in the last days of WWII.

I finished watching season four of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds (CBS/CTV SciFi). I found it to be a huge improvement over last season. Though all but one episode were what could be considered “gimmick” episodes (two time travel eps, a horror ep, a The Hangover, but ST ep, a noir ep, a transporter accident/puppet ep, a catastrophic warp sitch ep, a soap opera ep, and a fairy tale ep), the writers never failed to explore the personal situations of the characters. Each crisis forced one (or more) characters to confront wounds from their pasts and develop. And it reinforced the quintessential ST ethos. Excellent!

For my first book of September, I finished reading Network Effect, the first Murderbot Diaries novel (the rest have been novellas so far) by Martha Wells. Murderbot must rescue its humans again. At least it’s convinced Dr. Mensah to stay behind and get some therapy for her trauma, but having to deal with Mensah’s partner and daughter is putting it even more on edge than usual. When the rescue mission lands Murderbot and its humans on an eerily familiar ship that’s crawling with blue-skinned hostiles and hostile drones that are invisible to Murderbot’s sensors, it has to turn its pain sensors waaay down before it manages to kill the hostiles and destroy their drones. When it realizes that the ship is ART (Asshole Research Transport), but ART itself is nowhere to be found, Murderbot gets, well, murderous. From there, Murderbot and its humans have to rescue ART, ART’s humans, and then another SecUnit has to rescue Murderbot from colonists infected by alien remnant technology. Yes, it’s a clusterf*ck of rescues and I can’t wait until they get to this novel in the Apple TV series!

Then, I listened to Daggerbound by T. Kingfisher. I enjoyed the first in this series, Swordheart, so much that I pre-ordered Daggerbound and dived in as soon as it popped up in my library. Learned Edmund, scholar of the Many-Armed God is delivering an artifact to another scholar and a load of books. He’s decided, after years of fruitless effort trying to change the order from within, to leave the Many-Armed God’s service. When he’s set upon by bandits, however, he tries to save the books and the artifact—a sword—at great personal cost. In the scuffle, the sword is knocked out of its sheath, and a beautiful warrior appears wielding two blue steel daggers, saving Edmund, and his precious cargo. The warrior is known as the Dervish and has been trapped in the sword for hundreds of years—and had many cruel wielders who have caused him no end of trauma. He wants to hate his latest wielder, too, but Edmund is both sweet and kind. He rambles on about random facts from his encyclopedic memory and “adopts” Dog Violet the rag and bone gnoll and Large Frances, a giant pillbug scholar and ambassador of her people. Together, they brave a village that wants to feed them to a dragon, and a cult that wants to possess the Dervish and his sword for their own nefarious purposes. Of course, the Temple of the Rat comes into play, and the Dervish reluctantly reunites with his old commander Sarkis (from the first book). A great, fun read and a truly sweet romance.

Next, I listened to Middlebridge Mysteries 2, the spin-off of The Mistletoe Murders series featuring Violet Wilner, both created by Ken Cuperus (and now written by various other authors). In Violet’s sophomore year, she continues to juggle schoolwork, friends, boyfriend, and her penchant for solving mysteries. She was so excited at the end of last year to ditch her hard-partying roommate Krista and move off-campus with her best friend Bonnie. She was even more excited to be working on the cold case project for Professor Bellows, even if she was working with her academic rival Stewart. But Krista gets kicked out of her sorority and shows up on Violet’s doorstep and the cold case project is restricted to digitizing the case files. Even Hunter is having troubles this year, but Violet has no time to listen as she uncovers a dorm theft ring, a blackmailer, and tries to keep Professor Bellows from being framed for murder. This continues to be a light, enjoyable series, though this instalment is bittersweet.

After that, I caught up on It’s Storytime with Wil Wheaton.

I returned to Dungeon World, listening to The Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook by Matt Dinniman. Level four is all about trains, a confusing system of them called the Iron Tangle. Sponsorships open! Crawlers can now own property! The Krakarens are back! Donut gets eye lasers and a new crown! Mongo reaches full, terrifying size! And Mordecai is a toad! Carl tries to form a network of the remaining crawlers so they can work together to save each other as the number of crawlers plummets. But betrayal and corporate shenanigans are in play, and Carl has to do some pretty stupid shit to get his team and friends to the next level. Still SO. MUCH. FUN!

I finished reading Under the Full and Crescent Moon by Aamir Hussain. In this historical fantasy, Hussain imagines how a historical society might have developed if it was both matriarchal and Islamic. In the medieval hilltop city of Medina’tul-Agham, Khadija is the daughter of famed mufti Fazlur, whose fatwas she’s studied and copied out all her life. Because her mother died, however, Fazlur has been ill-equipped to usher his daughter into the life of a woman in Agham. Fortunately, their mutual friend Imam Fatima brings Khadija to the monthly meeting of the Circle of Mothers, and her life blossoms. She makes friends, becomes a court scribe, and even entertains a marriage proposal. But then, Fazlur dies, and a conservative mufti from the capital arrives, undoing Fazlur’s legacy. This novel was inspired by the accomplished women in Hussain’s life. And I loved it.

Finally, I listened to The Well of Lost Plots by Jasper Fforde, the third in his Thursday Next series. After the events of the last novel, Thursday is sent to the titular well to take refuge in an unpublished book called Caversham Heights. She’s still apprenticed to Miss Haversham, who has a penchant for street racing in the Outland (or real world), and Thursday is working on her qualifying testing to become a Jurisfiction operative. But something’s not quite right. She keeps forgetting Landon, who only exists in her memories since his eradication from history. Turns out that Aornis Hades has implanted Thursday with a Mind Worm to exact revenge on her for killing her brother Acheron. And then, Jurisfiction operatives start dying. It all has something to do with the new software Text Grand Central wants to launch. Loving the rampant wit and wordplay!

A sidenote: Though published in 2003, the tech plot is oh, so relevant to today’s LLM/AI concerns. Read (or listen to) The Well of Lost Plots for that, alone!

And that was the month in this writer’s life.

Until next month, be well and stay safe; be kind and stay strong. The world needs your stories!

I acknowledge with respect that I am in Robinson-Huron Treaty territory, that the land from which I write is the traditional territory of the Anishinaabe and home of Atikameksheng Anishnawbek and Wahnapitae First Nation.