If I don’t accept your “gift,” it’s yours to keep.

Life in general

I was introduced to a story about the Buddha. It goeth thusly: a man goes up to the Buddha and calls him a fraud. The Buddha says nothing. The man angrily demands to be acknowledged, to hear the Buddha’s response to his accusation. After a while, the Buddha asks the man, “Who does a gift belong to if it is refused?” “To the person who gives it,” the man replies. “I have refused your anger. You may keep it,” the Buddha says and returns to his meditation.

This story is about not taking on other people’s opinions of you, not taking on unnecessary emotional (or other) labour, and about maintaining healthy boundaries. This is my current challenge.

Things were going well, but by the middle of second week of full-time work, I could feel the tired creeping up on me again. I could feel my level of meh and frustration with the ongoing project rise. It didn’t help that the goalposts were moved again. I wondered if I’d ever get out of the seemingly endless cycle of eternally revised content.

I tried some additional accommodations in the interest of conserving spoons during day job hours to devote them to my creative work. I have a new kitchen timer, so I can put it on for 20 minutes to give myself a reminder to step away from my desk when I need to. I don’t even mind the ticking, because it keeps me from going down the hyperfocus rabbit hole.

It works well … if I remember to use it, which is the problem.

I started standing for my workday. I have an adjustable desk at home and can raise and lower it as needed. Again, it helps keep me present … but my feet, knees, and lower back don’t enjoy it.

I use the fitness ball to balance and bounce around during meetings, but there haven’t been many of those this month with summer holidays and all.

It’s a work in progress. I’ll keep trying things until I find a system/structure that works.

Another lovely bit of good news, though. I was able to apply for another self-funded leave from the last week of October to the end of November. It’ll be another stretch off for self-care and maintenance. Recovery is all, folks!

In other wellness news, I’ve been swimming once a week since July 1^st, building up my stamina and refamiliarizing myself with the strokes. It’s been lovely getting into the water again. I paused in the second last week of August when the weather went from sweltering to below seasonal. Call me a chickenshit, but I’m getting too old to swim when it’s chilly. I know that, technically, the water should feel warmer when the air is cool, but I’m considering my sensory capacity and relative comfort.

I think I’m done lake swimming for the year, though.

The month in writing

After finishing the first cutting pass of Reality Bomb, I took a break to finish up some reviews, a creative non-fiction flash piece, and some poetry (I have a looooong backlog of ideas yet to be committed to the page).

I wrote 6 poems and finished drafting my CNF flash piece.

In late July, I was presented with the possibility of a September poetry reading through the Apposite Poetry Series in London, Ontario. I didn’t announce anything at the time because the organizers were still trying to confirm another poet. They’d let me know once they heard back from the other poet.

Not wanting to miss the LCP poetry reading series funding deadline on August 1^st, I applied. I could always withdraw after if the opportunity didn’t pan out.

But on the 4^th, I received the confirmation! I would be the featured reader on September 10^th! And on the 15^th, I was advised that my reading funding had been granted! Leave from work granted. Hotel and rental car booked. I’m all set.

Also on the 10^th, this lovely review came out in On Creative Writing: Neurodivergent author Melanie Marttila on the power of reclaiming your authentic voice. It’s de-gorgeous, and I’m so happy.

On the 9^th, I received an invitation for one of my poems published in 2024 to be included in a year’s best anthology! Eeeeeee! Contract is signed, but I will have to wait on announcing anything further until the publisher begins formal promotion.

The SF Canada financial review meeting was on the 8^th. Just preparing all the financial materials for our auditors and addressing a couple of bits and bobs.

On the 30^th, I put my name in for the Wordstock festival planning committee. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to help, but I’ll do what I can.

Filling the well

August 1^st was Lughnassadh. It happened to be the last day of a break in the heat. It was a lovely first harvest and I thought about all the things I’ve done for myself, my mental health, and my creative life in the last couple of months, lit my altar, and focused on gratitude.

The full ricing moon in Aquarius was on the 9^th. Super hot. Did a guided “Lion’s Gate” meditation.

The news holly moon in Virgo was on the 23^rd. Things were cooling down. Did another guided meditation.

I registered for the League of Canadian Poets open mic night on the 6^th. It was lovely to read and to hear all the wonderful poetry on my fellow LCP members.

On the 15^th, I attended Practical Tools to Help You Write Layered Stories, Not Stereotypes with Ángela Álvarez Vélez, an Authors Publish webinar. It was an excellent presentation.

I signed up for the Worldshift Speculative Fiction Writers’ Summit from the 20^th to the 23^rd. A lot of my favourite writing craft experts were speaking, and I watched everything on replay because work.

My first in-person appointment with my new therapist was on the 7^th. Mostly, it was me, talking her ear off, but I did receive a handy guide called the ND polyvagal ladder. I’m to monitor where I am on the ladder daily as a form of mindfulness and to check in with myself so I can hopefully detect and deescalate meltdowns, shutdowns, and burnouts in the future.

I had a massage on the 13^th. Ahhhh! Rest and digest, baby! Parasympathetic nervous system win!

My last appointment with my EAP therapist was on the 20^th. It was a lovely farewell to a therapist who helped me a fair amount in a short period of time.

Then, I signed up for The Force of Choice: Mastering Your Emotional Reactors with Pat Tallman on the 30^th.

What I’m watching and reading

Phil and I watched the final season of The Sandman (Netflix).

I debated whether I’d even mention this because of the substantiated accusations of SA against the author and the possible complicity of his then partner. It is deeply disappointing to me that a person capable of writing such beautiful stories could also be capable of such abuse … and that he attempted to use his neurodivergence as an excuse for said abuse. ND people are, first and foremost, people, and everyone has the potential for evil within them. I believe the women who have come forward. Phil is still in denial. It’s a difficult circle to square. In the end, I’ve decided to try appreciating the art of this problematic man separate from him, but also to attempt to see if I can find signs of the truth in his work.

Morpheus/Dream creates both beauty (dreams) and terror (nightmares). In retaliation for his decades-long imprisonment, Dream traps his captor’s son in an eternal dream. That he later, at Death’s prompting, releases the young man several decades later, doesn’t erase the lost years of life the now-octogenarian must contend with in the time he has left. Dream creates the Corinthian, a nightmare who becomes a serial killer. That he eventually destroys his nightmare and later recreates a moral version of him to help Joanna Constantine find and protect Daniel (Dream’s successor) doesn’t erase the deaths the Corinthian caused or Dream’s responsibility for letting them happen. And having the reformed Corinthian and Joanna get together in the denouement is all kinds of ick. Dream sentences the woman he supposedly loves to hell for 10,000 years because she rejected him. That he later attempts to free her (only to discover that Lucifer has abandoned hell and by default released her before Dream got there) is a totally insufficient act that he only takes because Death (again) nudges him. He declines to help his son, Orpheus, resulting in the events of Orpheus and Euridice, and Orpheus’ living for 2,000 years as an immortal, disembodied head. That he, (again) at Death’s urging, decides to grant his son’s wish and kill him … too little, too late, really. Even though it results in his death—suicide by Fury for the crime of shedding family blood—which he first avoids, nearly resulting in the destruction of his realm and all its dreams, and then neatly sidesteps by voluntarily giving himself into his sister’s care, really falls short of true repentance or change. When the new version of Daniel/Dream attempts to recreate Fiddler’s Green as he has with several other dreams destroyed by Lyta Hall, the Furies’ catspaw, the dream declines. Dream will have to get along without Fiddler’s Green and his sage advice. There must be consequences. In all, Dream perpetrates all kinds of evil and though a Big Deal is made about how much he’s changed, he hasn’t learned a thing by the time he takes Death’s hand. His siblings and subjects tolerate his abandonment and abuse and continue to advise and love him. This is the author’s wish fulfillment coming through. Newsflash: no one gets away with abuse forever.

This is just my opinion, at first blush, within a couple of days of finishing the series.

Then, I finished watching the first season of The Librarians: The Next Chapter (CTV Sci-fi). It wasn’t bad. A new librarian displaced in time who wants nothing more than to return to his beloved Anya 200 years in the past. A new guardian-in-training, desperate to prove herself, and two new sidekicks, one of whom owns the castle the current annex is in, and a former university professor kicked out of academia because of his social media influencer/conspiracy theorist obsession with the library. Stone even returns to bookend the series. They neatly tied off the time issue and storyline at the end of the 12-episode run, which was a smart move in case they weren’t renewed, but reports are that filming of season 2 began in May. Goofy shenanigans abound. I’ll watch season 2.

Next, I watched K-Pop Demon-Hunters (Netflix). I saw an interview with the Huntr/x voice cast on New Rockstars. Arden Cho (voice of “Rumi”), May Hong (voice of “Mira”) and Ji-young Yoo (voice of “Zoey”) were absolutely lovely! Zoey is the most clearly autistic-coded. But Mira has a flat affect and shows signs of rejection-sensitive dysphoria. And Rumi’s secret, half-demon nature is something she’s had to mask her whole life. The tiger demon, Derpy, is OCD. I’m obsessed.

The story is all about overcoming shame and learning to love yourself. That’s all I’ll say. Cause this one’s a feel-good banger and so is the soundtrack.

Then, I finished watching the first season of Revival (CTV Sci-fi). It’s based on a comic I haven’t read. In the small town of Wausau, Wisconsin, recently deceased people resurrect. Police officer Dana Cypress learns that her little sister Martha (Em) is a Reviver, and they try to find out who killed Em and how Revival Day happened. There’s a lot more to the series, but it was good enough to withhold the details and invite you to watch. This is not your typical zombie story.

I finished watching the Disney + limited series Eyes of Wakanda. The animation was great, and so was the story about the War Dogs and the recovery of vibranium artefacts through the ages. And an Iron Fist! And a time travelling Black Panther queen! And a fabulous tie-in to the first Black Panther movie! They packed a lot of lore into these four half-hour episodes.

Finally, I watched Thunderbolts* (Disney +). This is the best Marvel movie I’ve seen in years. It’s the perfect exploration of what it means to be a hero. It’s not about the fight scenes, though there are those. It’s about helping each other weather turbulent times and the mental health challenges that inevitably come with them. No notes (from me … others have done their analyses—look ‘em up if you’re so inclined).

My first listen of the month was The Bridge Kingdom, the first in the Bridge Kingdom series by Danielle L. Jensen. I read the 5^th book in the series back in May and decided to catch up. In this book, Princess Lara and her 12 half-sisters have been indoctrinated into a deep hatred of Ithicana through a regimen of torture over the course of 15 years. One of them will be chosen to become the wife of the new king of Ithicana, Aren, and deliver the Bridge into their father’s hands. But when Lara overhears her “mentor” discussing how everyone but the chosen bride will be killed to prevent word of the plot from getting out of their isolated desert compound, she concocts a scheme of her own to spare her sisters’ lives and sacrifice herself to the mission.

When she arrives in Ithicana, though, Lara learns that everything she was taught about Ithicana is wrong, but not before she inadvertently sends her father the key to Ithicana’s destruction. As I observed back in May, the series is written in a series of duologies. The first book brings the protagonist and their budding romantic relationship to the breaking point before resolving it in the second book. An enjoyable, but dark series.

I decided to finish the Bridge Kingdom series (whatever was available on Audible, anyway) and continued with The Traitor Queen. Lara is the eponymous queen, living in exile after she handed her father the key to possessing the bridge. Ithicana still fights, but when Lara learns that her father has taken Aren captive, she braves the Tempest Seas to return to Ithicana. She has a plan to free Aren and defeat her father, and no expectation of redemption.

I kept rolling with Audible into book 3, The Inadequate Heir. This one dials back the timeline to the onset of Maridrina’s attack on Ithicana, which started when crown prince Keris made an agreement with King Aren to use the bridge to travel to university in Harendell. It was a ruse and Keris an unknowing dupe. His escort viciously murders their Ithicanian guards and begins the invasion, Keris bound to prevent his interference. Keris has a reputation for being bookish (the worst insult in a kingdom of warriors) and of spending his nights drinking, gambling, and womanizing. The only reason he is heir is because all his older brothers have either died in the war against Valcotta or have been killed, often by one another, in their attempts to win their father’s favour. But after this incident, Keris, never his father’s greatest supporter, decides to actively work against him.

Zarrah has been chosen by her aunt, the Empress of Valcotta to be her heir over her cousin Berman. King Silas of Maridrina murdered her mother and bound Zarrah, then a child, beneath her mother’s crucified body, her mother’s head in her lap. Now she wants to kill every Maridinian, starting with the crown prince.

Both Keris and Zarrah are inadequate heirs in this enemies-to-lovers romantasy.

Next, because I’m also reading print and e-books, just at a slower rate, I finished Birch and Jay by Allister Thompson. This post-apocalyptic novel is framed in a fictive future present in which a new group of Seekers is graduating in the community of Norbay decades after climate crisis has left the world in ruins. Jay and his partner Birch, elders of the community, tell the tale of his first mission to the graduates. Jay is sent to Queen’s University but is captured by the militia of Great Toronto—a newly-risen fascist state ruled by The Six—and tried as a spy. Birch, though not a Seeker, follows Jay and runs into troubles of her own.

The worldbuilding in this novel is great. Norbay (North Bay) was founded by women and like-minded men who wanted to learn from the mistakes of the past and rebuild human society in a sustainable way. But they need information to do that. Hence the Seekers, who go out into the ravaged world, by bicycle, and travel to former cities and universities in search of knowledge.

Though secondary characters, the elder women of the novel, Cedar, an elder of Norbay, Elm, a rogue Seeker, and Ning, a toughened lone survivor who saves Birch from a gang of young men, are the real stars of the novel. It’s their hard-won wisdom and tenacity that help Birch save Jay from Great Toronto.

Then, I finished reading Paris 1919 by Margaret MacMillan. This was part of my research for my alternate history solarpunk, which is set in 1936, in between the two world wars. I wanted to find out how the political stage was set at the end of WWI. And boy howdy was this book informative. The decisions taken in Paris in 1919 would not only set WWII in motion, but we are still dealing with the fallout of some of them, like giving Palestine to Israel. It was a difficult read, but I’m glad I persisted.

It’s time to return to Narnia, though. I need a palate-cleanser.

Next, I finished reading Zachary Ying and the Dragon Emperor by Xiran Jay Zhao. Zachary Ying is just trying to survive school and not stress out his mom too much. And play Mythrealm, an AR game. Simon Li is the new Chinese kid at school—of course, the Chinese kids would become friends, eye roll—and it’s not long before Zach learns that he’s the reincarnation of Qin Shi Huang, the first emperor of China, who really needs him to seal the portal to the Chinese underworld before all the spirits escape and wreak havoc on the world. When demons steal Zack’s mom’s soul, he has no choice but to agree because the place he has to go to get his mom’s souls back is—you guessed it—the Chinese underworld. Simon is the reincarnation of Tang Taizong and the third member of their team Melissa Wu, is the reincarnation of Wu Zetien. Together, they travel across China, heist magical artefacts, and defeat figures of myth and history to achieve their goal. A great, fun read!

Back with Danielle L. Jensen’s The Bridge Kingdom series, I finished The Endless War. When I read The Inadequate Heir, I felt Jensen took a slightly different tack with the relationship. Unlike Aren and Lara or later, Ahnna and James, Zarrah and Keris did not overtly or purposely betray one another. They didn’t even appear to betray each other. They met anonymously, though it was clear that she was Valcottan and he was Maridrinian. They bonded over their shared dream of peace between their countries, and when they’re identities were revealed, they initially presented a united front against his father, King Silas Veliant and her aunt, Empress Petra, who are the real perpetrators of the endless war.

Unfortunately, in book 4, Keris becomes king of Maridrina, and his father’s spy master sends evidence to Petra of his relationship with Zarrah, and Petra sends Zarrah to Devil’s Island, a nigh on inescapable prison where the inmates have divided into factions that are continuously fighting one another, and the desperate have resorted to cannibalism to stay alive. So, despite the passionate devotion Zarrah and Keris show one another, this, too, is a grimdark book. The climax and denouement are pretty clever, though.

Finally, I finished the month with The Wild Robot by Peter Brown. Yes, this is a MG book, but it’s so wonderful. Roz wakes up on an island, surrounded by the parts of her (Brown himself characterizes Roz as female) fellow robots. She explores the island, learns the animal speech, and fosters a gosling whose family is killed in an accident.

There are distinctions between the book and the movie (that I watched last year), but they both stand on their own. Lovely, gentle, and life-affirming.

And that was the month in this writer’s life.

Until next month, be well and stay safe; be kind and stay strong. The world needs your stories!

I acknowledge with respect that I am in Robinson-Huron Treaty territory, that the land from which I write is the traditional territory of the Anishinaabe and home of Atikameksheng Anishnawbek and Wahnapitae First Nation.